Friday, September 24, 2010

Accountability Part 2

I ended the previous post indicating that from the very beginning of my recovery I had incorporated 2 invaluable components. So, to continue...

They are:            
Twelve step programs
And
Intensive Treatment

Twelve step programs are the foundation of groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.  Intensive Treatment comes from Treatment Facilities that the client attends for various forms of group and one-on-one counseling.  
I use the term intensive because, although an individual facility may have a component of it’s program that it refers to as intensive, the client must ensure that they are intensive about the entire process in order for there to be any real chance of success. To take it lightly is to continue to take your life lightly, which, in the case of most alcoholics and drug addicts is to ensure their ultimate demise. This is no laughing matter. It is literally a case of life or death.
A good treatment facility will assist the client in discovering the ‘whys’ of their using, and enlighten them as to the tools to be used to deal with the complexities of their struggle with themselves.
A knowledgeable and comprehending case manager will deal with the client on a more personal, and insightful, level. I consider myself to be extremely fortunate in that my personal case manager is very adept at what I refer to as ‘casting the hook’. Yet she does not assume the responsibility of then reeling in the issue or problem that her hook has pierced. That is left up to me. As it should be. For, then, I am an active participant involved in a process, rather than the recipient of someone else’s efforts. I get to experience a sense of accomplishment, which is an antidote for shame. I could spend the next ten pages discoursing my perceptions of the undeniable benefits of the many different facets of Intensive Treatment, but I feel that I have described the gist of it well enough for the purposes of this writing.
               Twelve Step programs work in unison with the learning’s derived from a treatment center. This is not meant to imply any association between the two, except for the association that the person in recovery must make if they are to have a fighting chance. Again, these are the personal perceptions of one recovering addict-alcoholic. I know that for me, as an individual, the combination of the two is working. I have strong doubts that either one on it’s own would have an effective chance of working even partially well. In learning the ideals supporting the Twelve Steps, I am able to more readily grasp and consider the teachings and suggestions of my case manager and the premise of the Treatment Facility. To assist me in the learning of the Twelve Steps, I have another sort of case manager, in the form of a Sponsor. This is the individual who, in the Twelve Step program, works with me on a more personal, one on one basis.
               One of the most endearing aspects of this two-pronged recovery plan is the unintentional yet undeniable incidence of overlap. Frequently, my Twelve Step Sponsor gives me the key to understanding a concept first examined with my Treatment Center group or case manager, and vice versa. I know that the two separate portions of my recovery armaments do not converse with each other, so, how can they so often operate in concert. Could it be because the one consistent ingredient in this two panned course wants to survive the mixing, preparing, and serving of the meal? I believe it will result in a feast, and I’m pretty darned hungry!

Accountability....

I wrote the following paper very early in my recovery. I was starting to enjoy some true lucidity again after many, many years of living in a drug and alcohol induced stupor-haze-party-life-hell, and I was really excited by being excited- without the use of artificial enhancements like crack cocaine. I am going to split it into 2 posts, for simplicity... 

 

 

A STUDY IN FEAR



            We have all been told, time and again, both as children and later, in our adult lives, that we can overcome even our deepest, darkest fears. All that we have to do is face them.
 Got a fear of dogs; live with it by spending your entire life avoiding all possible contact with them OR spend some time at a local kennel, or a local veterinarian’s office.
 Suffer from a debilitating fear of the water; spend your entire existence avoiding any body of water deeper than a puddle, OR go to the local YMCA and learn to swim.
 Wet yourself at the mere thought of being more than 10 ft. off of the ground; spend every waking moment planning your life to avoid heights of any kind OR take a three- hour ground course and then jump out of a perfectly sound aircraft from an altitude of 2000 ft.
 Terrified of the evil that you are convinced lies in hungry wait just beyond your closet door; leave everything scattered around your room so that your closet always’ remains firmly closed OR sleep with your closet door wide open. Better yet, spend a night or two in your closet. Just be cautious to check what you are wearing when you finally come out.
 Can’t bear the thought of owning the responsibility for your actions, or the lack thereof; stay as drunk or high as possible for as long as you can OR take some action to identify and overcome that fear, too.

            As unrealistic as the above statement may at first appear, consider it through the mind of the alcoholic or the drug addict. You see, that is the mind that this entire premise is coming from. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I abused both drugs and alcohol for a full two-third’s of my life, and all of my adult life, until now. I had a few brief periods of sobriety in my life, a year here, six months there. Of course, even these were not done FOR MYSELF. I would only make the effort to achieve and maintain anything even remotely resembling sobriety for, or at the behest of, someone other than myself. Someone that I loved. I could do it for love. Funny that I couldn’t love myself enough, to do it for me. Yet, I am slowly coming to the conclusion that there were other issues compounding the problem. I realize, now, ninety-five day’s into a new-found and sober way of life, that as a sober member of society, I AM ACCOUNTABLE for what I THINK, SAY, and DO. I am accountable to myself for all of the above actions, and to those I live amongst, and society as a whole, for what I say and do. I am not accountable for my thoughts to anyone outside of myself, unless I make the decision to take my thoughts to a next level, and make them actions. I am immediately, then, responsible for those actions.
            It is the idea of accountability, and an incomprehensible fear of it, which enabled, and at times demanded, a life centered on, and in, drugs and alcohol. I was terrified of growing up and being accountable and responsible. It was so much easier, and safer, to my fragile and immature sense of self, to remain absolutely blotto or blasted, and therefore free of accountability. I mean, it is socially accepted, if not quite expected, to forgive the statements or actions of the individual who has ‘had a few too many’, since he or she ‘wasn’t quite themselves’ at the occasion of deferred responsibility. 
But at what expense? We may chuckle at the amount of time that a person who is afraid of dogs will spend too ensure that the possibility of coming into contact with one is minimized. We may feel sorry for the person who has never experienced the serenity of a sunset on the lake due to an unmanageable fear of water. We find ourselves unable to imagine what it might be like to never see a morning mist hovering over a valley from the vantage point of a mountaintop, or even the view from the lookouts in Gatineau Park on a crisp, fall day. The person who is terrified of heights cannot imagine what it would be like to experience these, for it is beyond their ability to contemplate.

            Try, then, for just a moment, to imagine what it must be like to be afraid to live your life. I say ‘for just a moment’, because if you have never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, you will not truly be able to imagine it. This is by far the most paralyzing and debilitating fear that I have ever known. The more so, due to the fact that the quick fix of drugs and alcohol, by their ability to gently rub the back of the addict while whispering ‘it will be ok’ in our ears, does not allow us even the slightest bit of recognition of the problem-the fear itself. The great majority of alcohol and substance abusers spend their lucid moments trying to come up with a way out of that lucidity, not examining the reasons for their using. So this crippling fear lives and grows, virtually unnoticed. It is important to understand that it does grow, and at a terrifying rate.

 You see, human beings, by and large, keep themselves in check through a measure of shame. The more shameful the act, the less likely we are to perform it. Unless we suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction. These afflictions feed upon and thrive on shame. Every time that we use or get drunk, we feel ashamed. Frequently, this sense of shame is repressed and relegated to the subconscious, allowing our conscious addict to continue growing, almost unnoticed. Then, if we are fortunate enough to have a clear moment where some of these subconscious thoughts have a chance to rise to the surface, our addiction can kick in with renewed vigor and strength and convince us that we can deal with ‘that shit’ later. For now, lets just party.
            What are we left with? Well, like the above examples, to overcome, we must face. This instance is somewhat more difficult, though. You see, to overcome our addiction, we have to face our fear. To overcome our fear, we have to face our addiction. We don’t have the luxury of spending a few hours with a medical doctor, learning about the damaging effects of drugs and alcohol, and all of a sudden being free of them. Likewise, a few sessions on the couch of our psychologist or psychiatrist may help us to understand the fears we have that keep us using, but it won’t likely do much to address the addiction itself. We, therefore, have to arm, and armour, ourselves. For me, at this point in my recovery, I must acknowledge the importance of the two main armaments in my newly adopted sobriety arsenal. This is what is working for me, not simply to save my life, but to actually enable me to live it. For some, the life affirming actions that I am taking are ‘not for them’, or ‘not part of their “program”’. Yet. It is my very biased opinion that, in order to survive and live a healthy and happy life, these two areas of study and learning must be explored and implemented in the daily live of the recovering addict – alcoholic.

Aaaah...the cliff hanger. What was he going to say....what are those 2 magical parts......what can I do next.....

Read on, fellow traveller. The next post is already up.

One of my first lessons, written by an author unknown...

Dear Old Friend

            Hello…….just in case you have forgotten me……I am your disease…
I Hate meetings….I Hate Higher Powers….I Hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering.

            Allow me to introduce myself. I am the disease of addiction. I am cunning, baffling and powerful. That is me. I have killed millions and I am pleased.
            I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending that I am your friend and your lover. I have given you comfort, haven’t I? Wasn’t I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn’t you call on me? And I was there.
            I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I love to make you so numb that you can neither hurt nor cry. When you can’t feel anything at all. That is true gratification. And all that I ask from you is long term suffering. I’ve been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said that you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the only one who would agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all of the good things in your life. People don’t take me seriously. They take strokes seriously. Heart attacks, even diabetes they take seriously. Fools. Without my help these things may not be possible. I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.
            More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program. Your program, your meeting, your higher power. All of these things weaken me and I can’t function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don’t see me but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I may only exist. But I am here….
            And until we meet again, if we meet again, I wish you death and suffering.