Oh God, where art thou?

 

This post consists of excerpts from a paper that I wrote very early on in my journey of recovering from a life of alcohol and substance abuse. It is a little long – and at times disjointed – but then I was a little more disjointed back then too.

Enjoy your day.

 

“When I first came into recovery, and began my Journey of Discovery, I saw what I thought at the time was going to be a major stumbling block for me. You see, a very large component of twelve step groups like AA and NA, in actuality, their cornerstones, is a relationship with God. The saving grace, if you will, for non-religious people like myself, is the tag line, ‘of your understanding.’ The god of my understanding. God, as I understand him. Phew!! Thank God for that easy to swallow pill. Because, quite honestly, I don’t think there is anything, or any idea, that I have less of an understanding of in my life than God.

The text then goes on to make it even easier for people like myself to chew and digest by introducing the concept of a ‘higher power’. I almost stumbled over this, as well, thinking that the text was simply, and only, using the words ‘higher power’, in place of the word God. But the longer that I travel on my personal road to recovery, the more that I understand this is not actually the case. You see, although I may not have even the vaguest understanding of God as an entity, or an ever loving heavenly being, I do have an understanding of a higher power. This is, I believe, because I have a rudimentary understanding of life.

I learned at a very young age, and much to my benefit, that life is not, and was never meant to be, fair. Where I have always run into trouble, however, is in my conceited efforts to try and change that very basic, and true, principle. I have frequently tried to do whatever I can in my life to make things turn out in a manner that I could consider ‘fair’. As long as it was me that life was turning out ‘fair’ for, that is. The funny thing is,  the more I tried to influence the fairness of life, the more frequently I guaranteed myself the short end of the stick.

So then what? Well, how about focusing on making sure that life was turning out fair for the people I cared about. I mean, if I can’t make my own life any better, or more fair, I could at least bask in the knowledge that I was doing everything in my power to make someone else’s life better, right. Yeah. I could be the proverbial ‘knight in shining armour.’ And everyone loves a knight in shining armour. Don’t they?

Well, not only is life not fair, but it is not a fairy tale. That is why we have fairy tales. Because life isn’t. I learned, very slowly, and very painfully, that the knight in shining armour does not a long life have. It seems there are a lot of them out there, and there is always one waiting in the wings to replace the one getting tired. And they are all seeking the same thing. Love and acceptance.

And they say jousting is no longer a sport. Hell, it was my way of life for years and years. Notice I said ‘was’. You see, I am learning. And one of the most important, if not the most important thing that I am learning about is spirituality. For most of my life I have lived with the misunderstanding that spirituality meant religion, and religion meant God. But spirituality, and being a spiritual person, does not necessarily have anything at all to do with either God or religion. It has everything to do with our inner selves. The essence of who we are. The immaterial part of man. Our spirit is that place inside all of us that is all of us. It is the source of our strength, and our courage. And as an addict and alcoholic, I had completely and utterly lost my spirituality. I had absolutely no idea of who, or where, I was in life. I had no idea of how to even begin to love myself, because I didn’t know myself. Sure, I would check in from time to time, through journaling and meditation. But these occurrences only came about during moments of both profound sadness and utter loneliness. Without realizing it, during these moments, I would begin trying to get in touch with myself. I would honestly travel inward, and ask questions of myself. Inevitably, most of the answers to my own questions were also of an honest nature. Answers like ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I’m not sure’.

Well, what did I do then? I allowed my addict to embrace me, of course. Because that was something that I did know. The fear of the unknown was once again removed. For a time, anyway. And in the removal of, or hiding from, the fear, comes a continued inability to learn.

And herein lies the gift. Or, if you like, the miracle.

In entering into the learning of twelve step programs, and through integrating them into my life, MY FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN HAS BEEN REMOVED. As a matter of fact, I now realize, and know, that there is nothing to fear in the unknown. How could I possibly have spent so long being afraid of what I did not know? Is it possible that it was the practicability of discovering something good in and about myself that caused me trepidation? I believe now that that was a large part of it. You see, my addict had spent a great many years ensuring that I learned very little of value about myself. For it is when we start to make those self discoveries that we can, and do, begin to question our addiction, and our ability to continue living with it in the drivers seat. And the very last thing that our addict wants is to have the life of the one it controls to be wrested away from it. It survives through it’s ability to simultaneously rub our backs, whispering ‘it will be ok’ in our ear, while gradually sinking it’s claws deeper and deeper into our spirit.

In my opinion, reinforced through some twenty-six years of alcohol and drug abuse, the ultimate goal of the addict portion of myself was the eventual complete annihilation of my spirit, and therefore, my spirituality. And it is through my discoveries surrounding spirituality, and a ‘higher power’, that the control of my life has been wrested from the talons of my addict.

So what is a higher power? Well, anything greater than myself, of course. My own personal higher power is an energy. Quite simply, it is what I consider a life-force. When a group of like minded people travel a like minded path on a like minded journey to a like minded destination or goal, they generate and share a like minded energy, or force.

To illustrate in a sort of mental picture, I look at life as a pool. At the center of this pool is the sought after destination, or goal. My current life center is sobriety. Now every time that I jump into the pool of life, aiming for the center, I create ripples, or waves. Likewise, so does everyone else who is aiming for the same center. These waves that we create, then, accentuate, and act in unison with, each other. So, by surrounding myself with people who are jumping into the same pool and aiming for the same center as I am, I am able to not only add my energy to the created waves, but to absorb and utilize an energy that has been multiplied to the nth degree.

Now, that is certainly a power greater than myself. That is my ‘Higher Power.’ And it is something that I have at least a rudimentary understanding of. Is it God? I truly don’t know. But I guess that if it is, then I have at least a rudimentary understanding of God too. The really exciting part is that I have a willingness, and a drive, to learn more. And it is through learning about myself, spiritually, that I am able to fully, and honestly, continue these learning's. I have discovered that I have a need in my life. That need is to have ME in my life. And through these learning's, I am learning to love and accept a very, very special person. His name is Joe. And we are staying in touch.”