And now, the bright side….

 

My previous post was a little bit heavy. Weighted on the dark side of my past, at least for the first portion. So I thought I would add another before hopping on my bike and heading off to work.

There have been many people who have offered me a helping hand along the way. Some of them are not aware of it, and unless I reach out and tell them, never will be. But then, somehow I don’t think that they are waiting to hear from me. They are people who themselves found inspiration in the musings, writings and memories of others and chose to pass on a note; a story; a poem or quote that struck a chord – that resonated with exactly who they were at the time.

I have found inspiration in so many areas.

One of those writings that was passed along to me by someone who found a glimmer of something bright within it is below. The following words have caused a vibration with in me. And I feel the tune.

 

“People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.”

 

Often attributed to Mother Teresa as a poem that was inscribed her Calcutta children’s home, the poem was actually written by a man named Kent M. Keith.

So I say thank you Kent. For lending a helping hand.

 

To close, I have added a few pictures from my Blog Pics album.

Life is beautiful.

 

Blog pics

Thanks for riding along so far. There is so much yet to come….

That was then….

or, “What a Difference a Day Makes”

I could be in jail tomorrow. Or the next day. Which wouldn’t be so bad. Considering.
I woke up just before dawn this morning. Shook the earwigs off of me and ran my fingers through hair that hadn’t been washed in….I don’t know how long. A few new spider bites, but all in all – no worse for the wear.
My current home is a pvc-coated canvas barbeque cover that I wrap myself in. Concealed in the bushes off of Island Park Drive. Less than 250 metres from a street lined with $500,000 - $1,000,000 homes. Wouldn’t the owners be pissed if they knew I was here. And who I am.

Who I am. Not quite sure what that means anymore.

I am a booster. A professional thief. A con man.

Small time hoodlum. Big time crack addict.

 Somewhere between $500 and $1000 a day big time crack addict. Which in turn, of course, means I am a pretty good booster. On a good day I am able to shop-lift as much as a couple of grand worth of merchandise. Some of which I can return to the very store I stole it from for cash. Or at the very least, a gift card. Which I can easily sell. Some of it I can turn directly into crack. My dealers all love a choice cut of beef, pork tenderloins, shrimp and lobster. I, and many others, keep their freezers stocked. And they keep us loaded with crack.
                                                                                                                                                           Other items I can sell to a select few retailers who could care less where their merchandise came from. One of my ‘clients’ has a store full of DVD’s and Blu-Rays for sale to you – the average joe – that were stolen by me – the below average Joe.
It isn’t exactly a living. But I get by. Sort of.

……and This Is Now


Everything that you just read WAS true. For many years, I was that man, doing exactly those things. And once in a while, getting caught, and going to jail. Taking a break from the life, really. Jail is not as bad as you think it is. Nor is it as bad as I would tell you it was.

It sure as hell isn’t as bad as the streets.

I woke up on the morning of July 18, 2006, in jail. Again. And felt two things. One that I was used to. And one that I wasn’t. The first was fatigue. I was tired. Really, really tired. I had felt that before. I even had a cure. Crack.
The second was fear. That was something I was not used to. I had not felt fear in a very long time. I did not like the way it felt. What the hell was I afraid of? Certainly not the goons inside with me. I know them. I know what makes them tick. And talk. No, this was something different. It took me a little while to realize what it was. I was afraid of me. Of who, and what, I had become and was still becoming. I was afraid that the Joe I once was, many years ago, was about to be gone forever.

So I did something I had not done in a great many years. I asked for help. I reached out, through my lawyer, to the newly established Ottawa Drug Treatment Court. And said that I need help with my drug addiction.
At the time I was not aware of it. But I needed help with so much more. Turns out my drug addiction wasn’t my biggest problem. Nor was my criminal lifestyle. My biggest problem was me. And my lack of understanding of me. Or maybe, put more simply – my lack of me.

That is what the Ottawa Drug Treatment Court gave me. The opportunity to get to know and understand me. To take out the trash. And put in some value. To become me. Again. Someone I had not been since I was about 9 or 10.

I am continuing daily, almost 6 years later, to learn about me. And to become the me that I will be today. And today, I can honestly say that I like that just fine.
Thank you, DTCO, and all of the wonderful people at Rideauwood Addiction and Family Services.

http://www.canadahelps.org/GivingPages/GivingPage.aspx?gpID=17870

http://rideauwood.org/website2/

Joe, DTCO graduate August 11, 2007

Simply not being sick…

 

….does not make me healthy. I forget this sometimes. And life is then, of course, forced to remind me. Allow me to backfill;

There is a popular, and for many of us life saving way to look at alcoholism and addiction. It is referred to as the disease model – and it is one that I personally subscribe to. I was told very early in my recovery that my addiction to drugs and alcohol can very much be considered as a disease. A disease that, left untreated, has a morbidity rate matching that of cancer. In other words, if I did not seek treatment, my disease would prove fatal and eventually cause my death.

I am not writing this to open up any sort of debate. Believe what you will. Better yet – believe in that which works for you. For that, in truth, is all that I have done. I was able to believe in the concept of the disease model. The result is that I am now approaching 6 years of absolute abstinence. What we in the rooms refer to as a sober recovery. So please, do not attempt to show me the ‘flaws’ in my beliefs. I have almost 6 flawless years behind me, in recovery-speak.

So, back to the concept of the disease model – and my reasons for writing tonight.

I drank the kool-aid. And I love the taste. The kool-aid that I refer to is the treatment regimen that has kept my disease in remission for quite a fair number of ‘24’s’. The rooms of the twelve-step recovery programs.

My primary fellowship is, as mentioned in my second post, Alcoholics Anonymous. The meetings that I attend – the step work that I attend to – the sponsor and sponsee’s that I work with – the fellowship that I take part in – all of it works. And by ‘works’ I mean it keeps me sober. It keeps me sober because it allows me to learn a little more every day about HOW to live a sober life. I have learned so much. So much about this man who is typing away at the moment. So much about the little boy that still lives inside of that man. So much about being happy. And grateful. And ‘How it Works’. About faith. About life.

But I am human. And sometimes I forget. I forget some of the simple lessons. Some of the truths that were hard won. Some of the diamonds that were discovered in the pillaged mines of my heart and soul.

I experienced one of ‘those times’ yesterday afternoon. And allowed it to pretty much ruin my evening – my night – and even my sleep.

I got caught up in a power struggle at work. With a client.  And forgot that I do not have to win. That was the beginning. Then I got an email from my boss. In truth, a relatively innocent email. But being a good alcoholic, and fully and completely capable of blowing anything out of proportion while also making everything about me – I convinced myself that I was about to be reprimanded – and probably harshly too! How unfair! The injustice of it all! It was just like my childhood, right. About to be told that I am not good enough; that I am doing it wrong; oh the horror – that I am a failure!

All of this because of an email, you say? No, not really. All of this because I forgot. Forgot that I am as fully capable of making a mistake as I am of doing well. For I am but a human trying to ‘be’.

And can you guess what finally stopped all of that crap from running around in my head? I got up this morning and went to a meeting. A pretty darned special meeting. A meeting at which a friend of mine was celebrating 730 days – 104 weeks – 24 months – 2 years of clean and sober living!  A meeting where I was given the privilege of listening to a man share his personal story about the hell that was his life, and how that hell is now, today – and for today – behind him. A meeting where I was reminded that all I need do is be grateful. The rest follows.

I left that meeting this morning knowing that I am a good man, doing his best to do good work, and succeeding in living my life happily. I had forgotten those things. Thankfully I did not forget where I need to go to get a booster shot against my ever present, always lurking, continually-waiting-to make-the-most-of-a-moment-of-weakness-disease.

I had a fantastic day today. My boss and I had a quick chat. We laughed at my ability to grossly misinterpret. I acknowledged that I forgot some basic NVCI skills. And we moved on. No fanfare. No pink slips. No grumbling. Just a couple of men doing their jobs. And learning from life.

I wish to thank you Denise. For all that you do for the newcomer. And for being the reminder that my Higher Power felt that I needed. And Joey – well done brother. I am really proud of you man.

God Bless, and good night my fellow travelers.

Best Laid Plans…..

 

And so, the final planning stages are upon us (you and I, dear reader) – though the impact of oversight shall have far greater ramifications for me than for you, I’m sure. As a matter of fact, I dare say that any tight-spots and sticky-situations I may find myself in during my month long sojourn through Western Canada and the Rockies is apt to provide you with notes of interest. And while I certainly wish for the journals of my escapades to be interesting – at least, interesting enough to keep you with me for the trip – I am not sure that I wish to provide any moments of laughter, shock or dismay (for certainly you will feel as I do, n’est-ce pas?) through my own poor planning.

It is with this thought in mind that I invite you – both of you, lol – to do me the honour of providing me with any sage advice you may possess as it relates to this adventure upon which I am to embark.

And as I write this, I realize there is something that I have overlooked. And for one such as me, that something could prove vital.

A meeting list.

And you thought you had nothing to offer. Hah!

And so, the preparations continue.

I am now tasked with locating a meeting somewhere near Lake Superior Provincial Park. That is my planned first overnight. It will make for a long first day, that is for sure. Approximately 974 kilometers – and 13 hours – according to Google maps. Being an adventure though, and not a mission, per se – I am just as likely to find a meeting in Sault Ste. Marie and bed down there for the night afterwards.

We shall see, won’t we. That is something that I took away from reading James Hesketh’s “Riding a Straight and Twisty Road”. That though I may think I know where I am going, and where I will be staying – in truth, I have only plans. And as the quote states, the best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry. Exciting, isn’t it!

I must end this entry here and prepare to head off to work. A place where I am bound to find some of the questions that I have yet to ask. And maybe too, some of the answers.

I hope that you are enjoying the ride  - or at least this build-up towards it.

Ready–set–uh….hang on a sec….

 

So. I am heading off on my motorcycle on a 25 or 28 day vagabond adventure across Canada and into the Rockies.

With a tent. And a sleeping bag. And a 1.5 litre camp-stove. Oh yeah – and a really big – really sharp knife. ‘Cause ya’ just never know, right. I might need to carve an S.O.S out of a really big tree. Or something.                                         

   I also have a first aid kit. And a candle lantern.  And some home-made fire-starter. And a magnesium striker. Ooooohhh. Aaaahhhhh.

Get the feeling that I might be in for a surprise or two? Yes. So do I. But then I think, that, more than anything, is what has me so stoked about this trip. I am going alone and on a motorcycle. You can really only be so prepared, right. I can only pack and take so much with me. After that, the rest is up to the universe. Or fate. Or, in my case – my higher power (which used to be an imaginary hamster named Frank, and then a cartoon character famous for exclaiming ‘Narf!’ - but that is a tale for another day).

I truly have no idea of what to expect. Some seasoned riders have warned me of snow in the passes. Wildlife (some REALLY BIG wildlife) everywhere. Dangerous curves. Rock slides. Foul weather. Freezing temperatures. Severe injury in remote areas. Death.

No references to inbred, banjo-playin’, ‘shine-swillin’ mountain folk – so I can allay that fear.

I have an idea of some of the places that I want to go. And some of the things that I want to see. The Kootenay’s. Radium Hot Springs. Columbia Lake. White Swan Lake. Kicking Horse Pass. Mount Robson. Mystic Beach. Toad Rock. East Hastings. Portland Hotel Society. MAP. Insite.

And I have a loose itinerary of a sort. I leave Ottawa on June 1st. I have to be in Calgary on the 6th because I have a speaking engagement on the 7th. From there on out, there is no real plan, and no set schedule.

I feel relaxed just typing that. No real plan. No set schedule. Just point my front tire and follow where it leads me. That sounds pretty darned good.

It’s April 24th and snowing in Ottawa…….

…….and so the journey continues.

Travel well friends.

Love and Honour

 

Yesterday was my parents 56th anniversary.

56 years.

Hard to believe. For a number of reasons. But I will just leave it at ‘hard to believe’.

I am proud of both of them. Proud that they somehow managed to stick it out. I know first hand that it wasn’t always easy. Nor pretty. Nor fun. But is it ever? I mean, if I am to be honest about it – no one manages to stay together for that length of time without having a boatload of crap floating in the wake, right? There is no such thing, I am quite sure, as the ‘functional’ family. We are all from families of dysfunction, in one form or another. As a matter of fact it is probably accurate to consider that the term ‘dysfunctional family’ refers to the norm. Which opens up a whole new dialog on family value, societal acceptance, wilful ignorance and conscious disregard.

But I do not wish to go there right now.

Right now I wish to remain in a place of honour. And love. For those are terms that describe what I feel in reference to my mom and my dad. They have lived through wars. And fought them amongst themselves. They have shared in life – in lives – in love – in laughter and in tears – anger and in joy – sorrow and in happiness – pain and pleasure. In solitude – and together. They have somehow managed to do it. I do not truly understand how. But I am happy that they did.

Dad’s health is on the decline. He has been quite ill for a couple of years now, and ‘improvement’ is not a word that will ever likely be applied.

We have made our peace, of a sort. Or at least, I believe we have. Never very good at honest communication, it is hard to truly know dad’s thoughts on the subject.

I told him that I love him a few minutes ago. And I meant it. And I believe he knows that.

He said that he loves me too. And I believe that.

That is enough for me.

 

My passion – a beautiful sunset – and eerily apropos music.

Thanks for coming along for the ride travelers. Back soon.

Things that make you go ‘Hmmmmm’…..

Admittedly, the opportunities to see and hear strange things while at work are more common-place, some might even say standard, for me than they are for the average Joe. I work at a large homeless shelter you see. And for those of you who have never really thought about the make-up of the homeless population in any location, I can assure you that mental illness, in its myriad forms, as well as concurrent disorders are the weight on the heavy end of the balance.
That being said – and with no malice nor harm intended – I thought I would share some of those little nuggets of wit and wisdom that often bring a smile to the down-turned faces of our clients and a chuckle to those that spend their days doing what they can to help those in need. Every now and then I will close a blog with something that stood out for me while at work.
I should also note that I am going to write a sort of preface to my upcoming travel-blog. You may not find it pertinent, nor even interesting. I however, find it necessary to set the stage, if you will. For my life, I am learning, is but a story to be told. And starting more than halfway through simply does not make sense. At least, not to this fellow. So over the next 5 or 6 weeks I will offer an introduction to the man on the keyboard (I have so longed to be a skilled musician for my entire life that musical references always seep into the prose) and some insights into who I have been, who I am – and how it all came to be.
So, last night, in a packed dining room full of ravenous eaters and boisterous tale-tellers, an oft-quiet and subdued fellow stands close to my shoulder and says to me-
“It happened in April of 1974 you know. But I wasn’t there. So I didn’t see it”
Good morning travelers.

Joe

Windows Live Writer test

Don’t get too excited readers. There is no meat, nor are there any potatoes in this post. It is merely a test to check on the functionality of Windows Live Writer and it’s professed abilities. A friend of mine – whom I have not seen in approximately 32 years – suggested that this will make my blogging experience more ‘user friendly’.

He lives in Vancouver.

I am riding my motorcycle to Vancouver in June.

Serendipity.

 

As ever, feedback is appreciated.

 

Joe

I am back. And taking you with me....

Wow. It has been a long time since I stopped by to drop a note. I was about to say that there was no real reason for that - but come on - there is always a reason. What were mine at the time? I don't really remember, but it is probably safe to say that I lost interest on one level or another. I think I was afraid that I was becoming a self-aggrandizing preacher of recovery. With an ego capable of the feats that mine is capable of, that is a dangerous path to follow. So I stepped back. And forgot about my blog.

So why am I back?, you ask. Or if you didn't, well - I am going to pretend you did - that whole continuity thing, don't ya' know.

Well let me tell you why I have stopped in again dear reader - or readers, should my one following friend have convinced another to peel their eyes away from whatever is happening in Facebook status-land.

I am preparing to embark on a journey.

Yes. I know. I have already pounded on the keys in an effort to render some meagre notes of interest as far as 'my journey' goes, as evident in my previous posts - or posturings, depending on your mood and frame of mind.
Alas - this one is an actual, physical, leave-where-I-am-and-go-somewhere-else kind of journey. Though I admit, there is a really big (did I say really big? - I meant disproportionately large) component of a spiritual journey embedded, entwined, inter weaved and  all-wrapped-up-in this journey as well. I mean really - how could there not be. See, I am embarking on an epic adventure. On a motorcycle. Which makes it an epic motorcycle adventure. Alone. With no real itinerary. Into the mountains of British Columbia. With a tent and a bed-roll. Which makes it an epic vagabond motorcycle adventure. That is what it is, and what I shall call it. My epic vagabond motorcycle adventure.

And I am going to blog about my travels. My experiences. My up's and my down's.

Oh. And guess what. I have a little surprise for you.

Ready.......

I have a helmet-cam. That films in 1080p HD. On my helmet. While I ride my motorcycle. Across Canada. And into the Rockies.

Contain yourself.... I know....I am excited too!!!

So I guess I should figure out how to insert / embed / link to a video from my blog, huh? Ideally I would like to upload / embed right here - however, lets try a link to an existing host. Let me know what you think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZONC3IFP_QQ

Joe