I am back, and not a moment too soon….

Hello again. To those of you who are still here, and still reading – thank you. For your patience. And for thinking you may still come across something worthwhile. I hope not to let you down, but let’s be honest. I write for the catharsises of writing. And after the last 6 or 7 weeks, I need to write.

Some of you know me on a personal level. Are familiar with my story – in greater detail than I have written here. And I dare say, a couple of you may have been kind of cringing after my last couple of posts. “What the hell is he thinking?”  - or – “Joe, no. You know you can’t be that guy / do those things”.

I had to go through it. I had to re-learn a few truths. I had to re-visit some old behaviours – live in old patterns – experience old hurts – to remember – no, to be reminded. Reminded of the man, and boy, that I used to be. And to know, again, that I never need be that man, or child. Again.

I spent most of my life – and all of my adult life, seeking relationships with women that I could ‘save’, in one way or another. It was being that knight in shining armour that defined me. That provided me with that all important yet never concrete sense of self.

I allowed myself to live that experience again recently. And it was so not necessary. Or, was it? Yes, in truth, I guess it was absolutely necessary. Because it has allowed me to be who, and where, I am right now – or, write now, if you will, heheheh.

As I wrote in my last post, Mona has always had a very special place in my heart. I love her very, very much.

I forgot that, in truth, that is enough. And I tried to do, and be, so much more. I engaged in all of my old, classic using-behaviours. Well, except for actually using. Thank God.

I put myself in a position where I was vulnerable. That in itself is not a bad thing. It is a part of growth. Getting out of our ‘safe-zone’ and taking a chance or two. It actually felt very liberating to experience that vulnerability again. However, I forgot to keep my eyes as open as my heart. And I completely forgot to pay attention to me. And my own sense of self. My peace. My serenity. I went back to the old belief that I need to have that defined for me by another.

I forgot that loving someone need not involve expectations. As a matter of fact, in my opinion, loving someone means not having expectations. Accept them for who they are. And love them unconditionally.
Mona has accomplished quite a lot over the last 6 weeks. And I am very happy – even honoured – to have played a role in those successes.

So, this one is not all about you Mona. (That’s a bit of an inside joke – some of you will get it – others will think they do)

But it is about how very grateful I am to have gone through this often beautiful, always exciting, sometimes shitty experience with you.

I have come through the other side with a renewed understanding of who I am – and a whole raft of those ever-present ‘remember when’s’.

I have come to truly know that I am not only capable of loving another, but that I am also capable of loving myself. I have learned that I am willing to take those chances of the heart. To allow myself to be vulnerable, and in doing so experience some of life’s most precious moments.

And I have come to know that no matter what – regardless of the crap that may be tossed at us, or the moments of anguish that we may find ourselves experiencing – love does not end. It does not die, and it does not stop merely because life changes.

I have an absolutely amazing friend in a beautiful woman named Mona. A woman who is going through some struggles. Changes. Peaks and valleys.

Our friendship has deepened.

I love you Mo.

And I am very happy to be back in touch with me.

Andre M, I wish to thank you so very much for reaching out to me, and asking me to be of assistance to you. For in truth, you helped me more this morning than you could possibly know. Thanks brother.

My name is Joe. I am a very happy man. With a very good life. And more wonderful people in it than I ever thought that I could deserve.

I merely forgot that for a moment.

Thank you for being there for me. And God Bless.

Wow. What a day.

Peace.